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Writer's pictureKaren Nadeau

Why most relationships fail

Learning to effectively communicate with your partner can save your relationship.

Lack of Communication destroys relationships


Most relationships fail because of the inability to communicate effectively.Understanding your partners love language as discussed in a previous blog is an important first step, but once you understand their love language how else can you better communicate?



Listen


“Most people don't listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply” - Stephen R. Covey

In today's society we are bombarded with information. Our cell phones have become a permanent extension of our arms in #FOMO (fear of missing out) and we are forgetting how to listen to our loved ones.


I often hear from couples, "He/She just doesn't listen to me, its like I don't exist". Being in a relationship and feeling like you are alone can lead to emotional and physical affairs and devastate a relationship.


The good news is that this can easily be resolved by working on your listening skills. When your partner is talking to you and you are able to, stop what you are doing, if you are watching tv, pause it, if you are on your phone, put it down, if you are distracted, focus on your loved one and make eye contact and listen to hear what the person is saying simply to understand not to reply. If you are not able to get into a discussion at that time, simply let them know that what they have to say is very important to you and that you want to give them your undivided attention and ask if it would be ok to continue the conversation as soon as you are done and follow through with it. It is important that you communicate that you do want to hear what they have to say and give a reasonable timeframe for the discussion to happen (reasonable being same day, preferably, within an hour, not weeks). Your loved one is who you intend to spend the rest of your life with, long after the kids are grown up, long after you retire from your job, etc. giving them the attention they deserve will help you build a strong foundation that your relationship can thrive on.



Don't Judge


When we commit to each other, we are trusting our partner with information, being vulnerable with them opening up and sharing our fears, weaknesses and problems. If your partner confides in you this is not an opportunity for you to judge them, insult them or critique them. This is an opportunity for you to listen and try to understand their point of view. If you feel like you have a solution, ask them if they want to hear it, if they don't, respect that. We are all individuals and we all have our own way of learning. Sometimes just being heard is all we need to work through our problems.


Stay Calm


“Take a deep breath. Get present in the moment and ask yourself what is important this very second." - Greg McKeown

There will come a time that your partner is going to do something that upsets you, we all have off days and it is unrealistic to think otherwise. Our reaction and how we communicate our feelings will determine how you grow as a couple. When we allow our emotions to control the conversation rarely does anything get resolved, quite the contrary happens - we say things we later regret and the situation escalates. It is so important to stay calm, gather our thoughts and understand where our emotions are coming from. The next step before reacting is trying to understand what may have caused your partner to do something that upset you. Sometimes once we understand what may have caused your partner to do something, it becomes less upsetting. If you are unable to reason why, ask, without judgement. Saying something like, "I'm feeling (hurt, upset, angry, sad, etc.) that (what happened to upset you) and I'm trying to understand why, would you help me to understand." Maybe it was miscommunication, a sincere mistake/accident, or couldn't be avoided and once you are calmly able to discuss you are able to resolve it quickly. Sometimes it may be more than that, you still need to remain calm and understand that you can only control yourself, by remaining calm your thoughts will be clearer and you will be able to determine a plan on how to best move forward.


Practice


Bad habits are hard to break. You need to understand that to communicate effectively it is going to take a lot of practice. Be patient with yourself and your partner. You may also want to seek out a Certified Relationship and Life Strategist Coach to help you develop and practice your communication skills as a couple and supply you with the correct tools.

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